If you are easily offended, then this is NOT the book for you. Please put it down and back away slowly. However, if you have a warped sense of humor, please read on.
In the town of Lost Hope, Florida reside two heroes unlike any others. These champions of justice go by the names of Snafu Fubar and General Nuisance. Nightly they patrol their fine city to protect it from evil’s grasp. And by ‘patrol’ we mean they sit on a porch, appropriately nicknamed ‘The Fucking Nuisance Cave’, drinking beers, smoking cigars, and talking about sex.
Meanwhile, across the street from the trailer park, in a convenience store that General Nuisance and Snafu Fubar frequented, a robber had just entered, brandishing a pistol. He pointed it at the clerk behind the counter, a young boy who had not yet reached legal drinking age and who still had a zit party in full swing on his chubby face. “Put your hands in the air and give me the money!” The clerk looked confused for a moment and then shrugged.
“I can’t do both.”
The clerk rolled his eyes. “I can’t put my hands in the air and give you the money.”
“Fine. Put one hand in the air and hand me the money with the other one.” The robber gestured with the gun.
“OK, which hand?”
“Right…no, wait a minute. Left.”
“Left hand up or left hand get the money?”
The robber banged his head against the counter three times and glared at the clerk. “Left hand get the money.”
The robber and clerk both looked toward the store’s door, through which a female customer had just entered. She was blond, with a great body and nice rack, but her face was ugly as sin. “Can I get twenty on pump five?”
The robber stepped towards her, motioning with the gun. “Lie down on the floor now!”
“What? Really? Have you seen this floor? I’d probably have a higher chance of survival if you just shoot me. I think I’ll take my chances!”
The robber glanced down at the floor. “OK. Point taken. Just sit on the floor.”
“Really wish I hadn’t picked today to wear stilettos and this damn mini skirt with no panties,” griped the customer. “I mean, if I’m going to catch an STD, I really wanted to do it the fun way.” She looked about as graceful as a giraffe on roller skates as she tried several maneuvers to get down on the floor without giving the clerk and the robber their own private peep show.
General Nuisance met Snafu in the parking lot of the convenience store. They did the handshake, the fist bump, the high five, the gang sign, the chest bump and the butt slap — to which they both said in unison, “NO GO HOMO!” This, of course, made it perfectly acceptable for two grown men to slap each other on the ass.
“Do you see what I see?” General Nuisance pointed into the convenience store that held his beloved beer.
“Yeah, some idiot sitting on a disease ridden floor. Hope she knows there are more enjoyable ways to catch an STD.”
“I agree, but I wasn’t talking about her. Look again…a robber!”
“Cool! You wanna hand out some Bronze Age justice?”
General Nuisance poked his friend in the arm. “I got one better…Iron Age justice, huh, huh?”
“Oh, that’s just stupid! What did the Iron Age have that the Bronze Age didn’t?”
“Really? Asia was smelting tin and brass by then…you can’t top that. What was your Bronze Age doing? Cave men were still circle jerking on dinosaurs’ corpses.”
“That’s the Stone Age, you idiot.” Snafu shook his head. “You can be so dumb at times.”
While Snafu Fubar and General Nuisance debated over the kind of justice they were going to hand out, things inside the store took a bizarre turn.
“Man, my drawer is gonna be off. I’m gonna have to overcharge all my customers tonight,” the clerk whined as he looked down at his till.
“Shut up! Just get the money,” screamed the robber.
“I don’t feel so well,” said the female customer, whose face was now a sickly shade of green. She burped once then farted. A moment later, she puked all over the floor and shit herself.
“Crap! Now I’m going to have to mop the floor and man, I was really hoping to leave that for the morning shift. I mean I could kind of push everything under the candy counter. There’s a good chance no one would notice and I could just place a wet floor sign where she is at. Yeah…the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure that would work.”
“Oh my God! Why are you taking so long?” The robber pointed the gun at the clerk again.
The store’s door swung open. Loud rock music blared as Snafu and General Nuisance entered the store. “I’m here to kick some ass and hand out –“, Snafu sighed, “Industrial Revolution era justice!”
“See?!? Was that so hard?” General Nuisance asked with a smile.
The robber grabbed the clerk by his shirt collar. “This is why you should have moved faster. Both of you get down on the ground now…or the clerk dies.”
General Nuisance and Snafu both looked down at the female customer who was now shaking and in the midst of some kind of convulsion. “Yeah, that’s just not going to happen,” Snafu said.
“Son, put the gun down.” General Nuisance spoke as calmly as a man being threatened with sitting on a disease-ridden floor could speak.
“How about I shoot you?!” screamed the frustrated robber as he pointed the gun first at General Nuisance then at Snafu.
“Yeah, shoot those costumed freaks!” chimed in the clerk.
“You stay out of this!” the robber yelled at the clerk.
“Why are you rooting for the robber?” asked Snafu.
“I don’t know…just seemed like we were connecting…I don’t get a lot of social interaction here.”
The robber looked back and forth between the costumed vigilantes and the clerk. “Shit! I don’t know who to shoot first!”
“Please God, let it be me! Bleck!” said the customer on the floor as she puked again.
“Well, while you decide that, I’m going to grab a Slushee,” Snafu said as he strolled toward the back of the store.
“Yeah. Me too. Let’s grab the beer and some beef jerky while we’re at it,” General Nuisance said as he patted the robber on the shoulder and walked past him.
The robber snatched the money from the clerk’s hand and ran out of the store. “Ya’ll are fuckin’ crazy!”
The clerk, looking as though he’d just lost his best friend or a beloved pet, leaned over the edge of the counter.
“Call me…I mean if you want to hang out or something,” the clerk yelled as the robber made his escape. When he didn’t get a response, the clerk slumped back against his stool.
“They never call.”
About the Author
Bob Dixon is a two-time Guinness World Record holder for the World’s Longest Cartoon Strip. He is the author and creator of a number of comic book titles for Pocket Change Comics, including Assassinette: The Mind Stalker, Psyco Duck, Jester’s Dead, The Holy Knight, Riplash, Shadow Slasher, and Warzone 3719. Bob has written two children books, Rooty the Tree Troll and Holiday Bunny; two young adult books, Mouch and Company: The Dream Psychic and Rags and Ruins; An adult humor book Snafu Fubar : Nothing Heroic; and is the co-author of Will Jones’ biography A Tough Call. Bob is also the Writer/Director of the movie Dr. Prozak’s Office. Additionally, he is a certified special education teacher who works with children who have autism and intellectual delays.